Tightening the Knot Read online

  “Is it a scarf?”

  “It’s thinner than a scarf.”

  “Not a winter scarf, but like, you know, an accessory?” Meredith did not own any scarves and didn’t think she had ever seen Judy wear one. She wouldn’t be surprised if that limited the scope of Greg’s knowledge of women’s wear.

  “I don’t think so. I think this is narrower and, um, not as… or more dense.”

  “More dense than a scarf? I don’t know what that means.”

  “Just, you can’t see through it.”

  “Oh. Hmm… a belt?”

  “There’s no buckle.”

  “I mean a belt that you tie, like a sash.”

  “Oh, that could be.” He looked around shiftily. “Let’s just go with that.”

  “So we’re done.” Meredith noticed that at least one other couple was sitting back, looking rather bored, so there was no reason to feel smug, not that she would have. She glanced up towards the leaders. Martha was still using the magazine to ignore everything else in the room and Stan had his head back against the wall and his mouth open. Meredith couldn’t see his eyes, but assumed they were closed.

  She turned back to Greg, who was absently looking through the box. “So what fundamentals do you suppose these things represent?”

  Meredith grimaced. “Please don’t say it like that.”

  “Sorry, I was trying to mock it, but you’re right, it’s not even funny when I say it. But what do you think they represent?”

  “I don’t know. Is there one for communication or is that just the box?”

  “I was thinking maybe the paper is communication since you could write a note on it.”

  “That makes sense.” Meredith tipped the box her way to remember which items she had guessed. “And I suppose the rosary is a reminder to keep God or faith in the marriage.”

  Greg held up the belt, then quickly put it back in the box and looked over his shoulder. Other couples might still be trying to guess. “What about the belt thingy?”

  “I don’t know. Is it… no, that’s stupid.”

  “What were you going to say?”

  “I was just thinking since the seminar is called “Tightening the Knot,” maybe the belt is something you can tie in a knot. But I’m not sure that’s a fundamental.”

  Greg smiled. “It’s hard to stop saying it that way, isn’t it.”

  “It’s not funny. I didn’t mean to say it, I’ve been brainwashed or something.”

  “Okay, so we’ll just wait to hear what the leaders have to say about the belt. What do you suppose this timer is all about?”

  “I don’t know that one either. It just makes me think of death.”

  “Death!? How do you get that?”

  “I’ve just been mildly afraid of hourglasses ever since I saw The Wizard of Oz. You know, when the witch gives Dorothy the one with the red sand.”

  “Oh, well, I could see it’d be scary if it had red sand.” There was sarcasm in his voice, but he wasn’t being cruel. They gave up looking for meaning in the seemingly random objects and chatted about what the dance might be like and whether or not Meredith had remembered to pack Greg’s black socks to go with his suit. When there were only a few minutes left in the session, Martha gave Stan an elbow to the ribs and he stood up to explain the objects. Greg and Meredith had been right about the paper and the rosary. The timer was meant to represent patience and the last item turned out to be a blindfold. It was in the spirit of trust, as was the next activity.

  ╣ Chapter 26 ╠

  Since Meredith had guessed the blindfold, as far as the leaders knew or cared, she was also in charge of wearing the blindfold. Greg’s job was to lead her back to their room with his voice only. He was not supposed to just take her hand. He decided to have a little fun with this task and had Meredith walking up and down random hallways until she realized he wasn’t heading for their room. The second trip in the elevator tipped her off.

  When they did make it back to the room, Meredith locked herself in the bathroom for some primping. She tried something a little different with her hair by pinning up just one side. It looked good. She slipped into her blue dress and put on a necklace. It caught the light as she fastened it and Meredith started to feel pretty good about her appearance. A knock at the door made her jump. Greg wanted to shave and she should have just let him in, but she took another look in the mirror and touched up her lipstick first. Her stomach flipped when she opened the door as though she was about to go on a date. She had almost forgotten what that felt like. It was a giddy sort of nervousness that she was overjoyed to be feeling towards her husband. It also worried her just a bit as she was afraid she was about to mess it up.

  When she did open the door for Greg, he looked as though he was about to be annoyed and then changed his mind at the sight of her. “Okay, this was worth the wait. But I need to hurry now so we’re not late.”

  Meredith smiled at the compliment, feeling for once as though she deserved it, and then paced by the door while Greg finished. He had been only half dressed and still needed only five minutes to be ready.

  They walked hand in hand to the dance and it should have made Meredith more optimistic. It didn’t. Although this was not the artificial happiness of those days at home, it felt just as fleeting. While the togetherness of this event was facilitating a rekindling of sorts, nothing had really changed or been resolved. It seemed an unlikely possibility that they would find time for a meaningful discussion in a room full of mostly strangers, and her parents, so she worked hard to shake off the uneasiness and prepared to enjoy this event, if in fact this portion turned out to be enjoyable. She would worry about showing her inner Scarlet O’Hara tomorrow as well.

  It was a few minutes past ten when they arrived and the music was already playing. Greg opened the door to reveal silver and gold fringe hung from the doorframe. It gave Meredith a brief prom flashback. The inside was even more juvenile. Someone had taken the fairy tale ball theme literally. The walls were littered with cartoon posters and storybook pictures. Everything from Rupunzal to Rumpleskiltskin was represented and a giant Big Bad Wolf cutout was guarding the appetizers.

  Aside from the décor, the event actually looked promising. The food smelled wonderful, the music was loud enough for dancing, but not so loud you couldn’t talk over it, and a few couples were already busting a move on the parquet floor.

  Meredith spotted her parents about the same time they spotted her and Greg. Jeanette waved them over. It was still slightly odd for Meredith to be at a supposedly romance-inducing event with her parents, but she consoled herself with the knowledge that it was probably weirder for Greg. If it was, he didn’t show it. He greeted his in-laws warmly and the four of them settled in for a fun evening. About an hour into it, he even danced with Jeanette so Bill could have a father-daughter dance.

  The food turned out to be as delicious as the aroma had promised, and even included bite-sized cheesecake so Meredith got to have some of her favorite treat after all. The DJ was moderately insane, but in a good way. The night was marred only slightly by an attempt by the organizers to interrupt with a Cinderella-themed game. This involved all the women tottering around in one shoe while husbands tried to find a match. Many of the men seemed to be grabbing random shoes and the whole thing temporarily devolved into multiple games of keep-away until there was a patent leather addition to the punch bowl. Things settled down a bit after that as it was nearly time for the big countdown.

  Having made plenty of noise at midnight with everyone else, and lingering soreness sadly preventing them from keeping up with a room full of older couples, Greg and Meredith headed back to their room about 12:05. Meredith felt too hot and sticky to get in bed so she got into the shower first. She expected Greg, who never stayed up this late, to be out like a light when she was done. Instead, he was sitting on the end of the bed. He patted the space next to him and said, “I think it’s time we talked about something.”

  ╣ Chapter 27 ╠ />
  The words were a bit ominous, but his tone was not. Meredith was taken slightly off guard. This was likely for the best as it gave her less time to fret about what was coming or try to make any sort of helpful plan. She lowered the towel from her hair and sat down with it in her lap. She waited quietly to see how Greg would begin.

  “Well, this has been fun.” He was apparently going to work up to the main event. Meredith didn’t know yet what the main event was going to be, but still didn’t blame him for stalling.

  “Yeah, I… I really did have some doubts when we got that itinerary, but I’ve enjoyed myself. For the most part.”

  “The dancing was fun.”

  “Uh huh.”

  “I’m glad you got your shoe back pretty quickly.”

  “Yes, thanks for that.”

  “No problem.”

  They sat silently, staring at separate but equally uninteresting spots in the carpet. Meredith couldn’t quite bring herself to prompt the serious conversation, but didn’t want to miss this opportunity. She was going to sit right there until Greg said something, or until he fell asleep. After another minute, during which a group of raucous guests could be heard passing by their door, Greg began again. “You still want to have a baby, right?”

  Meredith opened her mouth to say the obvious “yes” when he surprised her by adding, “With me?”

  She answered without hesitation. “Yes, of course. I want that.”

  “Because I know we’ve been going through a rocky patch, but I think we’re… maybe not all better, but it feels like we’re trying again.”

  “I want that, too.” Meredith’s voice was barely a whisper.

  “I have a confession to make.”

  He paused and Meredith turned to look at him. He was still looking at the floor as he continued.

  “Before we can really move on, I need to be honest about something.”

  “Okay.”

  “I… I did see a doctor.”

  “You mean, like a fertility test?”

  “Yes. He said… or the test showed, it didn’t seem like there was any medical reason I wouldn’t be able to father a child.”

  Meredith was stunned, and confused. “But that’s good news! Why didn’t you tell me that?”

  Greg had been rather stalling up till that point. Now that the confession was out, he started talking rapidly. “Because you wanted it to be me. I know you did. Every time we tried and failed, I could see it chipping away at you. I know you wanted me to be tested first because you couldn’t bear the thought of the problem being on your side. You wanted it to be my fault and I didn’t know how to say it wasn’t. And when I told the doctor we had been trying for a year, he said sometimes it can take that long even if there are no real problems so once I knew I was okay I hoped we’d get lucky before… before you had to… and then the more time went by the harder it was to tell you and I just don’t know when it got out of hand.”

  Meredith said nothing in response. She didn’t know how to answer because she felt wrong. She should have felt betrayed. She should have been angry that Greg had lied to her, that he had made her feel badly about setting up that appointment with the doctor without his permission. She should have been upset to discover that their months-long stalemate had been the result of an unnecessary lie and not the fear or anxiety she had thought. And yet she could not push away the only emotion she did feel… guilt. It was completely unexplainable because that little voice deep down had no idea what it was talking about.

  Meredith eventually said the only thing she could say, that she didn’t know what to say. Greg accepted this, for now, and they went to bed with barely a “goodnight,” both exhausted at the end of a long year.

  ****

  Meredith awoke to the sound of the room door clicking closed, and the louder sound of Greg groaning at the noise. She noticed two things as she sat up; it felt later than 6:30 and she smelled cinnamon. Greg had gone to the early breakfast by himself to let her sleep in. And in case that wasn’t nice enough, he returned carrying one of the largest cinnamon rolls she had ever seen. The bottom of the plate felt warm as she took it and a thin layer of icing oozed down the sides. It tasted as good as it smelled. The only problem was that Meredith wasn’t sure if she was enjoying Greg’s usual thoughtfulness or if he was working to get out of the perceived doghouse. She should really let him off the hook, but wasn’t sure if she should be the one to bring it up again. Okay, really she wasn’t sure if she had the guts to bring it up again. Why was talking with her husband so difficult? She hated the answer that came to her, that she was simply out of practice.

  “This is really good. Thanks.” Meredith decided to start with small talk and see if it grew.

  “I had one, too. I thought you’d like it.”

  “Were you the only one by yourself?”

  He pulled out the desk chair and sat down opposite her. “No, not at all. There seemed to be quite a few spouses still in bed.”

  “Hmm.” She had just stuffed a huge bite into her mouth.

  “So I don’t know if I told you, but I have to go back to Atlanta on Monday.”

  “Already?”

  “Yeah. But this should be the last time for at least a few months.”

  “Two nights as usual?”

  Greg nodded. “I’ll be back on Wednesday.”

  “Well, I’ll be back to work on Monday, too so…” She trailed off because she really didn’t have anything else to add.

  “So you won’t even have a chance to miss me?”

  He winked and she smiled. Greg was kidding of course, but he wasn’t just kidding. There was a question in his eyes and in the air about whether or not they were secure enough for a relationship joke to be okay. It was okay and it was in that comfort zone that Meredith finally found her courage.

  “Greg?”

  “Yes?”

  “I need to say that I’m sorry I made you feel like you couldn’t tell me about your visit with the doctor. I don’t think it’s fair to say I wanted you to have a problem, but I was scared enough to be somewhat irrational so I can kind of, I mean, I’m not upset with you because I understand why you didn’t want to tell me.”

  “I guess neither one of us really knew what to do with the situation.”

  “Yeah. Maybe we’re ready now?”

  Greg nodded.

  “I think… or I hope I’d like to take the next step, but I’d really like for you to go with me.”

  “Absolutely. We’ll find out together what our options are. And I don’t think it would hurt to start trying again, just in case.” He moved to sit next to her on the bed as he said it and Meredith realized that his suggestion was not meant to refer to some vague time in the future. It made her self-conscious. She tried to smooth her bed head with her non-sticky fingers, but gave up when she noticed that Greg was looking at her the same way he had the previous night when she had been dressed to the nines. She stashed her plate on the bedside table and prepared to reconnect with her husband.

  ╣ Chapter 28 ╠

  Meredith and Greg spent the rest of that Tuesday and Wednesday feeling pretty good. They went to a movie together. Neither of them cared for the film all that much, but they enjoyed discussing its flaws together. On Wednesday, they had dinner at home and then went out to split a banana split. Greg casually asked, as he gave her the one cherry, if she had yet scheduled a doctor visit. She explained that since he was coming with her, it wouldn’t make sense to call when he was going out of town so soon. He wisely said that he just wanted to put it on his calendar and then dropped the subject. Slow progress was good progress.

  He returned to work on Thursday, and while he was there, Meredith received an excited phone call from Jenna saying they had to get together. The two women met for lunch on Friday. It was a tiny Italian place a few blocks from the gym where Jenna worked. They sat down with goofy smiles and each noticed the other’s pleasant mood.

  “You look like my idea worked.”

 
“What idea?”

  “The marriage thingy,” Jenna prodded. “How was your New Year’s?”

  “Interesting.”

  “Interesting? Is that good or bad?”

  The waiter interrupted to take their orders, and when he left, Jenna continued to look expectantly at Meredith, who obliged her friend by elaborating.

  “The event itself was, well, interesting. They had some ideas that were a little… out there. But I can’t really say anything bad about it because we did spend a lot of time together and we ended up having a really good talk so I can’t say it was a waste of time or anything.”

  “I’m glad you guys talked.”

  “Yeah, it sort of got the ball rolling at home. Things aren’t perfect yet, but I’d say we’re sort of rekindling.”

  “That’s great. I don’t want to pry into anything personal, but I’m very curious about these ‘out there’ ideas.”

  “I think the most interesting was the bit about molding emotions.”

  “Moldy emotions?”

  Meredith giggled slightly. “No, molding emotions.”

  “Okay, that sounds less yucky, but doesn’t make any more sense to me.”

  “They gave us Play-Doh, pink and blue Play-Doh, everything was pink and blue and very… cute.” She managed to give the word cute a negative connotation with her expression and Jenna understood. She nodded to encourage Meredith to continue. “We were supposed to make the Play-Doh into the shape of some emotion. It was all very abstract. I can actually kind of see how some people would enjoy it, and believe me the instructor was very into it, but it just didn’t, it just wasn’t my idea of fun.”

  “Was Greg a good sport?”

  “Yeah, we both tried.”

  “Okay.” Jenna paused for effect. “Now I really want to tell you my news!”

  “News? I’m all ears.”

  “I have a date with Shawn tomorrow.”

  “How did that happen? Last I heard you were getting ready to send him hate-rays because you thought he snubbed you.”